Embracing the Silence of Not Knowing: Entering the Fertile Void
by Susan Campbell

Authentic communication depends as much on silence as it does on words--the silences between your words and the silence you leave after you have spoken as you await the other's response. Silence is required to allow your words to sink in. As you speak, you hear yourself better when there are silences. Listening to yourself is an essential ingredient for presence.

Becoming comfortable with silence allows you to more easily connect with the essential nature of things. When you can embrace silence, you do not need to know everything in advance or have all the blanks filled in. You understand that there are many things that cannot be known all at once or once and for all. These things emerge gradually as we learn to be more patient and to openly wait, without forcing the Issue.

Have you ever noticed how some people (maybe even you') ask a question and then, before the other person has had a chance to respond, answer it themselves? When I notice myself doing this, I know it's an indication that I'm avoiding something—probably the void. In ancient mythology, the void or the silence was seen as the emptiness out of which all things are created. In all cultures, the void is a powerful symbol. It is the ground of creation, the sea out of which new life emerges. It is also associated with death, the unknown. And for some unknown reason, people tend to fear the unknown.

Here's a quiz to help you assess your ability to tolerate silence, empty space, or not knowing. For each question, rate yourself from 1 to 5 (with 1 being not usually true of you and 5 being mostly true):

1. I often finish peoples' sentences for them (or at least I feel like doing it).

2. I find it frustrating when someone takes a long time to make his point.

3. If someone asks me a question, I usually answer it right away, without much reflection.

4. If I ask someone else a question, I like her to answer it right away and not leave me hanging.

5. I sometimes ask a question and then answer it myself without giving the other a chance to reply.

6. I find it hard to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty, or being in limbo.

7. When I'm around the house alone, I often keep radio, television, or music playing in the background.

8. I like to keep busy (or, even if I don't think I like it, I usually am busy).

If you scored several 3's, 4's, or 5's, embracing silence is probably a challenge for you. In this doing-oriented culture, we do not learn to value silence. In school, we were taught that knowing is always better than not knowing. And on the job, looking busy is generally preferred to sitting at your desk staring out the window.

The most important thing about embracing silence in a human interaction is that it allows for feelings to be fully experienced, your inner feelings and the feelings being exchanged. This helps you develop your ability to notice what is and prepares you to communicate with more of your whole being, so you're not just coming from your head or your automatic control pattern. I recommend that you pause before speaking to check in with yourself, to get grounded in your bodily sensations, and to connect with the other to whom you are speaking. This takes a few seconds of silence. During this silence, energy is building to support the contact between you and the other person.

Notice your behavior the next time you are sharing in a group setting: Do you begin talking right away, as soon as it's your turn? Or do you take a few seconds to connect? Do you have something planned to say before you begin to address the group? Or do you sit in the silence and see what emerges?

Each and every human interaction entails a large measure of uncertainty. Every time you express yourself, you take a step into the unknown, into "empty space." When you tell someone how you feel about him/her, you don't know how the other will respond. You are taking a risk on behalf of the relationship. Often the other will sense this and appreciate you for it.

After you have spoken, while you are waiting for a response, see if you can embrace the silence. Feel your own feelings as you listen and wait. Allow the sense of connection to build. Don't speak and then immediately disconnect as soon as you have spoken. Stay with the energy of connection for a while.

Trusting the Silence Exercise

Profound things happen when two people sit face-to-face and openly explore their feelings toward each other in the present moment. In my Getting Real workshops, there are often moments when two people are beginning to engage in dialogue and then one or both will quickly escape from genuine contact by going into a story or a theory, only tangentially related to the here and now. That's when I go into action as their "embracing silence coach." I ask Partner A to state a feeling they are experiencing in relation to Partner B. Then, before B can escape into a story or an interpretation, I request that B simply pause, take in what A shared, and then check in with himself to see what he is experiencing right now, and share that.

Then A does the same thing listen, pause, check in, feel, and then respond genuinely to B about how she is feeling right now, not two minutes ago. The beauty of this exercise is it shows how feelings change from moment to moment. If you give yourself the space to feel and express what is now, what is in the next moment will usually be different. In addition to helping people learn to be more comfortable with silence, this exercise also helps them get more comfortable with change.

Ask someone you know to try this exercise with you. Sit face-to-face and take turns sensing the space between you, speaking from the silence about how you are feeling right now in relationship to the other. In responding to the other, stay with your present experience of what was just said to you. Stay with this experience and respond to what you just heard and what you're feeling as a result. When partners do this exercise, their communications tend to arise from a deep level of their being, showing that you can be uncertain of where you are going and still radiate presence. In fact, people seem more present in these moments, perhaps because the situation demands a high level of open attentiveness.

I have a few other favorite practices for helping myself and others get more comfortable with the silence of not knowing: word fasting, partying without words, and free association à deux.

WORD FASTING - Sometimes, if a friend and I plan to spend the day together, we will agree to be totally silent the whole time. One of the things I like to do best while on a word fast is to take a long hike in a beautiful natural setting. Looking at each other, touching, pointing, laughing, and any form of nonverbal contact is permitted, but no talking, no writing notes in the sand, no sign language. This kind of contact can be a wonderful thing to experience with someone you care about. After the day is over, you may have a conversation about how it felt.

PARTYING WITHOUT WORDS - I occasionally invite some of my friends over for an improvisational movement and dance party. It is agreed beforehand that while they are in my home, no one will speak. All forms of nonverbal contact are allowed and encouraged. This practice is similar to word fasting, except that now you're with a group, and there's music to move and dance to. None of the music I play has any audible lyrics.

FREE ASSOCIATION À DEUX - Usually I do this practice with just one other person, but it could be done with a few people. It is modeled after the free-association technique used by Freud and other psychoanalysts since Freud. The two of us lie on a bed or on the floor in a comfortable nest of pillows and blankets that we have created for the occasion. We just lie there, maybe looking at one another, but not necessarily. When something to say bubbles up from either of our subconsciouses, we speak it aloud. It could be something related to the present situation, or it could be a memory, a feeling, a thought, a wish, a dream fragment, or a theory. You share anything and everything that enters your mind, uncensored. We allow plenty of spaces between the sharings, and no effort is made to have a conversation -- although if conversation happens, that' s okay too. The experience is a little like a Quaker meeting lying down!

I recommend using these practices often as a way of tuning in to your essential being and your ability to perceive things as they are. Most people get so caught up in the ego mind's ideation and strategizing that they truly have lost touch with reality.